I'm really into asian looking animals
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
