he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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