I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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