still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
