I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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