She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
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I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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