and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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