dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
