i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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