Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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