haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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