You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
