dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
