I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
