I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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