I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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