I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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