They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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