well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
