I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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