His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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