I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
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I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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