my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
