I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
