Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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