i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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