I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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