sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
