i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
