The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
