Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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