i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
