in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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