sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
