I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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