oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
