I am midnight drunk by noon
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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