I'm so fucking centered right now
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
