She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
