i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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