I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
