Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Never joke about your clitoris.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
