i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
