And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize