You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
