So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
