If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
