Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
