I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
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the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
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You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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