Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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