just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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