We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
