I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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