thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
