im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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