I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
