he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
