Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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