he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
