right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
