i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
